The Brave Men of ICE

"CHARLOTTE'S WEB" – WHEN AMERICAN FASCISM NAMES ITSELF AFTER A CHILDREN'S BOOK ABOUT KINDNESS

So let me get this straight.

The Department of Homeland Security – that's the same people who brought you the TSA's greatest hits like confiscating your shampoo while missing actual weapons – these geniuses looked at a beloved children's book about a spider saving a pig's life through acts of compassion and thought: "You know what? That's the PERFECT name for our masked-men-with-guns operation to terrorize immigrants!"

I mean, you can't make this shit up! The man who taught us that American hypocrisy deserves its own category in the Dewey Decimal System would be spinning in his grave so fast we could hook him up to the power grid and solve the energy crisis.

The granddaughter of the man who wrote that book said her grandfather believed in the rule of law and due process, not masked men in unmarked cars raiding people's homes and workplaces without IDs or summons. In the actual book – you know, the one they clearly never READ, Charlotte the spider SAVES Wilbur from slaughter. She doesn't round him up, zip-tie his hooves, throw him in an unmarked van, and hold him incommunicado for three days while his family frantically searches every law enforcement database!

But here's where it gets REALLY good. ICE is currently holding 59,000 people in detention facilities designed for 41,000 – that's 140% over capacity, because apparently fire codes and human decency are optional now. And get this: over 70% of those 59,000 people have NO criminal record. None. Ninety-three percent have never been convicted of a violent crime. So much for targeting "the worst of the worst," huh?

Wait, it gets better! Investigative reporting found more than 170 U.S. citizens – AMERICAN CITIZENS – who've been detained by ICE agents this year. They've been dragged, tackled, beaten, tased, and shot. They've had their necks kneeled on. One guy, George Retes, an Army veteran, disappeared for three days. His family found him because someone posted a TikTok video showing his car with the veteran decal on the window.

But don't worry! DHS Secretary Kristi Noem told everyone there are no American citizens being arrested or detained. Except NPR fact-checked that and – SURPRISE! – it's complete horseshit. Retes told NPR he was held for three days. When he said he could prove citizenship, they didn't care and never asked again.

And you want to know the REALLY sick part? When Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh – that guy – said citizens shouldn't worry because agents will promptly release them once they learn someone's a citizen, the three liberal justices warned that citizens risk being grabbed, thrown to the ground, and handcuffed simply because of their looks, their accents, and the fact they make a living by doing manual labor.

Gee, I wonder what "looks" they're talking about? Could it be... racial profiling? Border Patrol Chief Gregory Bovino literally said to a white reporter: "How do they look compared to, say, you?" HE SAID THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD!

Now let's talk about OUR North Carolina city, Charlotte. More than 130 people arrested in TWO DAYS. ICE has targeted people at workplaces, farms, university campuses, private homes, and during random traffic stops. The administration rescinded a policy that once limited raids in schools, places of worship, hospitals, and other sensitive areas.

Oh, and about those "sanctuary politicians" DHS keeps whining about? Charlotte isn't even a sanctuary city. It's a "Certified Welcoming City" – a formal designation recognizing commitment to immigrant inclusion. But why let facts get in the way of good fear-mongering?

You know what the REAL betrayal is here? Let me remind you what this country ACTUALLY stood for. Not the bullshit version, the REAL version.

George Washington – you know, the guy on the dollar bill – wrote that America was founded to be an asylum for the poor and oppressed of all nations and religions. He told Irish immigrants that the bosom of America is open to receive not only the respectable stranger, but the oppressed and persecuted of all nations and religions.

Thomas Jefferson asked Congress: Shall we refuse the unhappy fugitives from distress that hospitality which the savages of the wilderness extended to our fathers arriving in this land? Shall oppressed humanity find no asylum on this globe?

And you know what's inscribed on the Statue of Liberty? Not "Build the Wall." Not "Papers Please." It says give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Emma Lazarus wrote that in 1883 while working with Jewish refugees fleeing violence in Russia. She called the Statue of Liberty "Mother of Exiles." Not "Mother of Racial Profiling." Not "Mother of Masked Men in Unmarked Vans."

But here we are in 2025, and ICE has recorded at least 20 deaths in custody this year – the deadliest year since 2004. A federal judge just ordered the release of hundreds arrested in Illinois, finding 615 people detained who aren't subject to mandatory detention and don't have final orders of removal. A Chicago daycare teacher was dragged out by ICE officers who ran through the front doors while terrified kids watched.

And they named it after a children's book about KINDNESS.

You want to know what Charlotte the spider actually said in that book? By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a little. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.

Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.

Instead, we get masked men with guns, $75 billion to hire 10,000 new ICE officers with signing bonuses of tens of thousands of dollars, and a directive to arrest 3,000 immigrants per day – a more than fourfold increase from the previous daily average.

This isn't about safety. Local officials in Charlotte pointed to police data showing crime has been declining. This is about power, control, and the oldest American tradition of all: racism dressed up in patriotic language.

So when DHS quotes Charlotte's Web saying we take to the breeze, we go as we please, remember: in the story, that's when Charlotte's babies fly away and Wilbur cries himself to sleep thinking he's lost everyone.

That's the metaphor they chose. Separation. Loss. Loneliness.

The Founding Fathers would be disgusted. Emma Lazarus would be heartbroken. E.B. White would be furious.

And the comedians who spent their lives exposing American hypocrisy? They'd look at this whole thing and tell us we're living in a nightmare where you have to be asleep to believe the dream is still alive.

Wake up, North Carolina, Charlotte. Wake up, America. This isn't who we're supposed to be.

This is who we've become when we let fear replace compassion, when we let cruelty replace kindness, and when we let masked men with guns define what it means to be American.

Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little help.

Instead, we're getting Operation Charlotte's Web.

And that, my friends, is some TERRIFIC bullshit.